FAKE NEWS FAKE
NEWS FAKE NEWS
FAKE NEWS FAKE
NEWS FAKE NEWS
It’s Actually Global Cooling, Stupid!
Reported straight from the elephant’s mouth! December 2016.
I wrote this for fun and to hopefully bring a smile to all who read it!
Prez Elect
Trump to nominate Santa Claus as ‘Secretary of Global Cooling.’
Trump was
severely concerned when he saw heavy snow falling from his home atop the Trump
tower, and heard a worrisome security briefing reporting heavy snow in
Washington DC, freezing ice across the country, a 55 car pileup caused by icy
roads, and even snow falling as far away as Edmonton, Calgary and even Toronto.
This, he is reported as saying, “is the fault of the DNC for listening to the
global warming conspiracy served to them by the lying scientists, is getting
out of hand and needs my immediate focus and intervention.”
It prompted him
to direct his incoming defense chief elect to locate Santa Claus and escort him
to the Trump Tower so that he could offer him the newly created Office of
Global Cooling. Informed that Santa is just imaginary, it is reported the Trump
broke down in tears but collected himself quickly and then became angry. He
grabbed his mobile and tweeted angry comments about his parents and lack of
transparency in his childhood, and blamed them for a cover up and what he
called a ‘childhood Santa conspiracy’. He fired the assistant press secretary
elect for informing him of the Santa conspiracy. After regaining his composure
and waving his hands around, he again instructed the intelligence agencies to
look for Santa, based on the fact that after all the fired employee elect was
lying.
In a pivotal
meeting with the CIA, the FBI and Homeland Security, he instructed them to aid
in the search for Santa, but that if they confirmed the ludicrous ‘fact’ that
Santa does not exist he would not believe them in any case. Since Moscow was ‘always
cold and freezing in winter’ he would request Putin’s help in locating and
hacking Santa’s emails in the continuing bid to locate the rotund gentleman and
future secretary elect.
When asked by
the press why he wanted a ‘Global cooling secretary’ in any case, he responded
that the scientists had gotten it all wrong, and that the opposite was true,
the world was heading for another ice. He backed this up by saying, “take a
look out there, it’s freezing, we’re in a huge, huge freeze, and Santa can make
great things happen!”
To prove his
genius, he informed the gathered press that he was in touch with Carrier and
had requested that they set up a research center in Alaska to study the global
cooling, thereby creating great jobs for great Americans from the working
class.
One reporter,
branded immediately as an idiot by the Prez Elect, asked if he had any comments
about the fact that it was reported that his golf resort at Mar-a-lago may be
underwater in a few years due to global warming and the rise of sea levels. He
responded that this was a scientific hoax but that just in case there was even
an iota of truth in this, he would instruct the contractors building the wall
on the Mexican border to build a wall around Mar-a-lago once they had finished
down south. It would be paid for, he added, by the Mexicans and hidden among
the costs of the border wall.
The same ‘idiot’
reporter then compounded his erratic behavior and dared to suggest that the
same fate might await his luxury golf course in Scotland. Trump denounced him
as an enemy of the state, but responded that he had also heard of this
absolutely crazy and scientifically made up idea. He added that he had already
sent over architects and Trump organization engineers that he trusted, and that
had been vetted by Ivanka and Donald Junior, to study the famous Hadrian’s
Wall. If the Romans, whom he called ‘my friends’ and ‘a great people’ could
build a wall back in AD122, then he could do it now. He said that the initial
plan calls for extending the Wall to protect the golf course from any rising
sea levels. This would bring thousands of new jobs to Scotland and once
completed, would create waves of tourism; ‘Huge, Huge’ waves of tourism the
likes of which the ‘Tartan Skirt wearers’ have never seen. Depending on the
level of ‘huge, wonderful, wonderful’ success, the wall would then be renamed ‘Trump’
wall in a ribbon cutting ceremony attended by world leaders in wet suits. ‘My
friend Vladimir will be invited, but without his IT contingent, just as a
matter of cyber security’.
Under his breath
he was heard to mutter ‘veni, vidi, vici’ as he adjusted the
laurel wreath on his head and excused himself to go off for another round of
furious tweeting.
HAVE A HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR!!!!
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